Pictures Of The Past
by BellatrixLestrangey
Summary: Azula week day 2: motherhood. A tiny bonus continuation of I'll Meet You At The Bottom; Azula tells her twins about her struggle with the ruby tears.


She feared the day when they would ask. When they would look up at her with those innocent eyes and ask how she and Sokka met. When they would look at those portraits why she had looked so dreadful in the first of them. In the first of their years she hadn't much to worry about, they too no interest in the portraits at all. They would rather run wildly down the halls than spend any time admiring the decorative aspects of them. Azula was thankful for that. It meant she still had more time to decide whether or not she would tell them the truth-and if she didn't, what kind of story she would tell. For the time, she didn't want them to know anything of her former hallucinations and she wanted them to know even less of her days claimed by the Ruby Tears.

She could imagine that Sokka was also none eager to have to put his past demons into words. She couldn't imagine that it would be easy to look his children in the eyes and confess that he had once seen himself as a killer among other things.

On top of that, Azula feared that Shizuka or Emiru would develop a disposition to match her own. A set of faulty genetics that would have one or both of her children hearing voices or seeking out the Tears as fervently as she once had. Or perhaps they might take on after Sokka and have tempers that constantly needed to be checked. Either which way, it seemed to Azula that their children were a genetic catastrophe waiting to happen. She supposed that she would deal with that should the time ever come. Certainly if she could help herself, she could help them.

But the first of their years had since passed and they were approaching teenhood. A notion Azula had been dreading since they turned ten. Sokka was a complete idiot as an adolescent-not that that had changed much-but in those days his idiocy came with a reckless streak. And Azula herself…

She fully acknowledges that she had been a mental terrorist among other things. She knew more than she should and fought for answers when she came to something that she didn't know. This above all else, was what worried her. Shizuka's innocent curiosity only blossomed as she grew older and she often perked Emiru's interested.

It surprised Azula very little to see Shizuka finally studying Sokka's old portraits, perhaps connecting a few dots that might have been best left unconnected until she was older. But Agni, if she wasn't Azula's daughter, she could already see theories and questions forming in those golden eyes. Maybe she didn't realize that, that painting had been done when her mother was on drugs, but the girl very well sensed that something was off.

Azula had half the mind to tug the girl away from the portrait, an action that would have been so reminiscent of her own mother. She knew that it would only drive Shizuka into a deeper curiosity. So she left the girl to inspect and speculate.

And as she turned the other way she could hear Emiru inquire, "what are you looking at, Shizu?"

"A picture of mother."

"I think father made it." Emiru remarked. He had taken up Sokka's knack for painting and had come to know his father's artistic style well.

Azula didn't stay for the rest of the conversation. Her mind was already jumping from place to place, trying to latch onto a good excuse or a good way to begin what would be a tricky discussion.

"You okay?" Sokka asked. Her lips were pressed firmly together, her brows knit; Sokka knew the expression well. So well that he hadn't actually needed to ask at all. But it was a good conversation starter. If he held his tongue, she would start talking, as she always did.

"They're going to ask about the portrait." Azula finally answered.

"What are you going to say?"

She shrugged. The truth sounded like a good thing to tell. But she didn't want to taint the image her children had of her. She was still a figure that they admired and looked up to. Of course they would still have Sokka if her image became marred. "I don't want to say anything at all."

"You want me to tell them then?" He asked.

That might be easier, she mused. "No, it has to be me." She decided in spite. She wanted the story to come from her own lips. Even if she didn't know how to put it into words.

She came to find that she had more time to figure it out than she thought. It wasn't until the twins had turned fifteen that the subject finally came up. They were at dinner, a fine one at that. Zuko had just closed a deal that would put the Ash Pit into a stable condition once and for all. For it they had a celebratory dinner.

She wished Shizuka would have chosen a better time to ask.

"What happened all those years ago?"

"What do you mean?"

"The painting mother."

The resemblance to Ursa was rather embarrassing and Zuko made a quick note of it when Azula sent the girl to her room with no explanation. Emiru whispered a soft, "Ooo, you're in trouble, Shizu." It helped the situation none.

For the duration of the dinner, it was on Azula's mind again, how to approach the question. She hadn't much of an appetite after it had been asked. For the first time in a while, Sokka didn't seem to notice her distress. At least not until the discussions started and she kept unusually hushed. After helping himself to one last fire flake, Sokka took her hand and led her a distance from the dinner crowd.

"Have you decided what to tell her?" In being honest with himself, Sokka didn't understand Azula's reluctance. He thought that she had a remarkable and rather admirable tale to share.

"Is there any good way to talk about it?" Azula frowned. She wished that she could just let the whole situation slip under the rug where it ought to stay, but Shizuka was too much like her to let that happen.

She considered letting Sokka do the sharing, he was always the storyteller. But it was her story. Deep down she knew that she needed to be the one to tell it. She took Emiru's hand and without a word of explanation she led him to Shizuka's room. "Where are we going, ma?"

"To answer Shizuka's question." She replied. Sokka lingered behind, with any luck the man would add his own commentary to take the edge off of her story. She supposed it would be better to just tear the bandages away before her daughter could uncover the answers for herself.

Shizuka sat on her bed with her arms folded over her chest, the pout she wore was rather daunting. "What did I do wrong?"

"Nothing." Azula replied. It wasn't quite right, the truth was, she had sent her daughter off for asking a touchy question at the wrong time. But then, who's ears would the answer have fallen on, that hasn't heard it before. "It just wasn't a good time for you to ask that question."

Shizuka cocked her head. "When should I ask then?"

"You won't have to." Azula replied, reluctantly she tugged up her sleeve. "Do you remember asking me what happened?" The girl had always been interested. Inquiring about how she'd attained her scars. Meanwhile Emiru had simply eyed them with curiosity, he habit of kissing her scars and asking her if she felt better.

"You told me it happened during the war." Shizuka answered.

"Not all of them." She confessed.

"What does this have to do with the paintings?" Emiru asked.

"Around the time I got these," she extended her arm. "Your father began painting pictures of me…" She trailed off, but her gaze never left Shizuka. After all this time, she still couldn't seem to bring herself to talk about it. Sokka squeezed her shoulder and urged her to continue. Omitting a good many details, Azula relayed the story of how she had grown fond of Sokka and her spat with the Ruby Tears. Perhaps it was a secret she should have kept, she didn't know of any other parent who had told their children they had been on drugs. She was ashamed that she had such a story to tell at all.

However the twins took it, at least they heard it from her. For a while none of them spoke, it left a flutter in her stomach.

"Shizu and I had cactus juice at a party once." Emiru finally spoke, earning himself a decent nudge from his sister.

"When did this happen?" She muttered.

"It didn't." Shizuka replied.

"A few weeks ago, during uncle's birthday party." Emiru replied. "I had to carry Shizu to her room."

Azula pinched the bridge of her nose. She supposed she couldn't get too angry; their little confession was their own little way of assuring her that they saw her no differently than they had prior. Still, Azula knew that it would be on her mind for a while. Instead of letting it seep in just then, she grumbled, "just don't overdo it." Truth be told they were going to be in for another long discussion, she wouldn't let the cactus juice grip Shizuka in the way it had her. Even if it was only one time at one party, Azula found herself concerned.

"I won't." Shizuka promised.

Sokka could see it in Azula's eyes though, that he would be in for a long night of talking her down. "They'll be fine." He whispered. "You were in the end."

Azula pressed her lips together.

Yes, she supposed that she was.


End file.
